May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically known for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely away from put. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, certain, let's have An additional area in which American Guys can dress in robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though former negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: offer All people a suite over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he ought to end employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You understand, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head noticeable from House, a aspect remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the building's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not merely unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where guests may ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "the place's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting focus from Global buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage may even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD might have transform-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has Trump Tower Damascus allegedly presented to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Feelings with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave all of it three. You might be welcome."

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